Weeks 4 and 5: Parenting Together

Questions to be answered:

How can parents lovingly disagree?

Why it is essential to find common ground?

IMPORTANT POINT: Some people parent alone for a variety of reasons. The good news in these situations is that we never parent alone. Philippians 4:19.

Introduction:

"After a girls’ get-away weekend, my friend and I returned to her usually orderly home—now a housekeeping disaster. Dirty dishes were crammed in the sink, pizza boxes and empty soda cans littered the countertops. Clothes, toys, books, and shoes were everywhere.

Her children greeted her half-heartedly: “Back so soon?” Their forlorn looks were telling. They knew: Party’s over!

With gritted teeth, my friend hissed, “Why does he get to be all fun and games and I’ve got to be the drill sergeant who gets everyone back on track?”

My friend and her husband are not the only parenting duo who’ve discovered significant differences in their parenting styles. Maybe you know Drill Sergeant Dan who’s married to Permissive Pam. Bedtime at their house is bedlam. Dan roars at the top of his lungs, “You kids get to bed and you get to sleep now! I don’t care if you’re thirsty, hungry, or scared. I don’t want to hear another sound.” Pam, on the other hand, isn’t too concerned about bedtimes: “Kids, just make sure you clean up the taco dip on the rug and turn out the lights before you go to bed.”

Or do you know Spontaneous Sam who’s married to Regimented Ruth? They struggle over the when, where, and cost of family fun-time. Sam can’t contain his exuberance as he makes last-minute weekend plans. “Let’s go to Disney World!” he shouts. Ruth wails, “The budget, Sam! There’s only money for a movie and popcorn. Besides, Saturday is chore day!”

Then there’s Empathetic Ellen married to Stoic Stuart. Ellen clucks, coos, and coddles her darlings over every bump, scrape, and heartache. Stuart scowls and grouches, all the while insisting the kids need to “tough it out.”

If you and your spouse have polar personalities, take heart. You can make peace with your differences and raise happy, well-adjusted children."

We are all created to be unique. We come from different homes and we have individual differences, making for interesting family dynamics. Having children accentuates our differences in ways we can never imagine.  It is finding common ground for parenting that is important for raising well-adjusted children.

1 Peter 3:8 “…live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.”

Sometimes our need to be right becomes bigger than our spouse. This is called pride and it is not pleasing to God.

When you were growing up, what kind of parents did you have? Did you have a fun parent? A serious parent? Did you know who to go to for what situation?

Is there advice that you have received from your parents that helps you in your parenting?

Did your parents ever disagree on discipline or how to raise you?

Are there areas that you and your spouse disagree about parenting? How have you resolved the issues?

Since our children are each individuals and have individual needs for discipline, how have you adjusted in your parenting to accommodate these differences?

Point 1: Raising Godly, Well-Adjusted Children

We may have different perspectives, but we have the same goal- to raise godly, well-adjusted children.

Proverbs 22:6  We have the God given responsibility to train our children in the ways of the Lord. To set expectations and create an environment where those expectations can be met.

Though you and your spouse (or the person who helps you with parenting your children) may approach things differently you still have the same goal… what is best for your children. How do you get there? The problem comes when we believe our way is the only way and are unwilling to listen, change, discuss, compromise.

Abraham’s son Isaac was trained in God’s ways. Genesis 22:7-12. Abraham demonstrated his trust in God by his actions. He knew Isaac belonged to God. Sometimes we forget that our children are not ours or our spouses for keeping, they are God’s. We are just the trainers.

What do you think of when you think of Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son? What does Isaac’s willingness to be laid on the altar say about his training?

What are some ways you and your spouse train your children in the ways of the Lord?

Point 2: Times of Disagreement

Reality is there will be times you disagree, so the question is how will you display your disagreement? How will you deal with it?

Differences can be strong, but do not have to divide you. You can agree to disagree in the rearing of your children. You are “on stage” with little eyes watching, what is most important for them to learn through your disagreements?

This is a wonderful opportunity to illustrate an important life lesson about agreeing to disagree or how to handle differences.

And of course, sometimes there are disagreements that should be handled away from the children.

Dr. James Dobson said, “The best way to love your children is to love your spouse.”

Parenting Conflicts
We are the best role models our children have for learning to live with others that are not just like us.

Philippians 2:1-7- We should consider our spouse more significant than ourselves and we will learn to disagree with humility.

Why does loving your spouse equal loving your children?

Point 3: Empty Nest Preparation

We remember cradling our little ones in our arms. Laying him/her in the crib and treasuring our new little bundles of joy, but someday we will see them pack their belongings and drive away to a new life. This will change our lives. This is suppose to happen, but it is hard to imagine until that time comes.  And then we are left sitting there across the table from the one we started the journey with.  Do you know him/her any more?

http://loveandrelationshipcenter.com/divorce-after-children-leave.html

One statistic I found said that 16% of people divorce after their children leave home.

Sometimes we make our children our whole life and when they are gone we are left with this person we no longer know or like. Parent sometimes feel empty or lost. They know how to parent but not be a husband or wife.

Prevent this by continuing to do things with your spouse. Forgiving him/her when necessary and loving unconditionally.

Forgiveness is a key ingredient to parenting and marriage.

Ephesians 4:32. We forgive because we are forgiven. We are not to wait until we feel like forgiving, we are to forgive because Christ forgave us. It is not about what we feel like doing, it is about what is right!

What are some of the ways you cultivate your relationship with your spouse?

Have you ever felt emotionally disconnected with your spouse? How have your regained that connection?

Closure:

Parenting is an unbelievable responsibility. We are to model love, acceptance, honor and respect before our impressionable children. God calls marriage a picture of Christ and his church. We have the privilege of not only showing our children what a good marriage is like, but also showing the world. We do this by simply acknowledging that God has brought 2 imperfect people together and is making them one.

We cannot parent under our own strength. It is a reality that no matter how wonderful we are at parenting our children may grow up to make wonderful choices and sometimes they may not make the best of choices. Does that mean we have failed as parents?... Absolutely NOT! We just have to rely on God for help and pray, pray, pray as well as to the best we can basing what we do on God not our own desires.

We must incorporate God in all we do and although things may not be perfect, they will still be Godly based.