Weeks 4 and 5: Parenting Together

Questions to be answered:

How can parents lovingly disagree?

Why it is essential to find common ground?

IMPORTANT POINT: Some people parent alone for a variety of reasons. The good news in these situations is that we never parent alone. Philippians 4:19.

Introduction:

"After a girls’ get-away weekend, my friend and I returned to her usually orderly home—now a housekeeping disaster. Dirty dishes were crammed in the sink, pizza boxes and empty soda cans littered the countertops. Clothes, toys, books, and shoes were everywhere.

Her children greeted her half-heartedly: “Back so soon?” Their forlorn looks were telling. They knew: Party’s over!

With gritted teeth, my friend hissed, “Why does he get to be all fun and games and I’ve got to be the drill sergeant who gets everyone back on track?”

My friend and her husband are not the only parenting duo who’ve discovered significant differences in their parenting styles. Maybe you know Drill Sergeant Dan who’s married to Permissive Pam. Bedtime at their house is bedlam. Dan roars at the top of his lungs, “You kids get to bed and you get to sleep now! I don’t care if you’re thirsty, hungry, or scared. I don’t want to hear another sound.” Pam, on the other hand, isn’t too concerned about bedtimes: “Kids, just make sure you clean up the taco dip on the rug and turn out the lights before you go to bed.”

Or do you know Spontaneous Sam who’s married to Regimented Ruth? They struggle over the when, where, and cost of family fun-time. Sam can’t contain his exuberance as he makes last-minute weekend plans. “Let’s go to Disney World!” he shouts. Ruth wails, “The budget, Sam! There’s only money for a movie and popcorn. Besides, Saturday is chore day!”

Then there’s Empathetic Ellen married to Stoic Stuart. Ellen clucks, coos, and coddles her darlings over every bump, scrape, and heartache. Stuart scowls and grouches, all the while insisting the kids need to “tough it out.”

If you and your spouse have polar personalities, take heart. You can make peace with your differences and raise happy, well-adjusted children."

We are all created to be unique. We come from different homes and we have individual differences, making for interesting family dynamics. Having children accentuates our differences in ways we can never imagine.  It is finding common ground for parenting that is important for raising well-adjusted children.

1 Peter 3:8 “…live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.”

Sometimes our need to be right becomes bigger than our spouse. This is called pride and it is not pleasing to God.

When you were growing up, what kind of parents did you have? Did you have a fun parent? A serious parent? Did you know who to go to for what situation?

Is there advice that you have received from your parents that helps you in your parenting?

Did your parents ever disagree on discipline or how to raise you?

Are there areas that you and your spouse disagree about parenting? How have you resolved the issues?

Since our children are each individuals and have individual needs for discipline, how have you adjusted in your parenting to accommodate these differences?

Point 1: Raising Godly, Well-Adjusted Children

We may have different perspectives, but we have the same goal- to raise godly, well-adjusted children.

Proverbs 22:6  We have the God given responsibility to train our children in the ways of the Lord. To set expectations and create an environment where those expectations can be met.

Though you and your spouse (or the person who helps you with parenting your children) may approach things differently you still have the same goal… what is best for your children. How do you get there? The problem comes when we believe our way is the only way and are unwilling to listen, change, discuss, compromise.

Abraham’s son Isaac was trained in God’s ways. Genesis 22:7-12. Abraham demonstrated his trust in God by his actions. He knew Isaac belonged to God. Sometimes we forget that our children are not ours or our spouses for keeping, they are God’s. We are just the trainers.

What do you think of when you think of Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son? What does Isaac’s willingness to be laid on the altar say about his training?

What are some ways you and your spouse train your children in the ways of the Lord?

Point 2: Times of Disagreement

Reality is there will be times you disagree, so the question is how will you display your disagreement? How will you deal with it?

Differences can be strong, but do not have to divide you. You can agree to disagree in the rearing of your children. You are “on stage” with little eyes watching, what is most important for them to learn through your disagreements?

This is a wonderful opportunity to illustrate an important life lesson about agreeing to disagree or how to handle differences.

And of course, sometimes there are disagreements that should be handled away from the children.

Dr. James Dobson said, “The best way to love your children is to love your spouse.”

Parenting Conflicts
We are the best role models our children have for learning to live with others that are not just like us.

Philippians 2:1-7- We should consider our spouse more significant than ourselves and we will learn to disagree with humility.

Why does loving your spouse equal loving your children?

Point 3: Empty Nest Preparation

We remember cradling our little ones in our arms. Laying him/her in the crib and treasuring our new little bundles of joy, but someday we will see them pack their belongings and drive away to a new life. This will change our lives. This is suppose to happen, but it is hard to imagine until that time comes.  And then we are left sitting there across the table from the one we started the journey with.  Do you know him/her any more?

http://loveandrelationshipcenter.com/divorce-after-children-leave.html

One statistic I found said that 16% of people divorce after their children leave home.

Sometimes we make our children our whole life and when they are gone we are left with this person we no longer know or like. Parent sometimes feel empty or lost. They know how to parent but not be a husband or wife.

Prevent this by continuing to do things with your spouse. Forgiving him/her when necessary and loving unconditionally.

Forgiveness is a key ingredient to parenting and marriage.

Ephesians 4:32. We forgive because we are forgiven. We are not to wait until we feel like forgiving, we are to forgive because Christ forgave us. It is not about what we feel like doing, it is about what is right!

What are some of the ways you cultivate your relationship with your spouse?

Have you ever felt emotionally disconnected with your spouse? How have your regained that connection?

Closure:

Parenting is an unbelievable responsibility. We are to model love, acceptance, honor and respect before our impressionable children. God calls marriage a picture of Christ and his church. We have the privilege of not only showing our children what a good marriage is like, but also showing the world. We do this by simply acknowledging that God has brought 2 imperfect people together and is making them one.

We cannot parent under our own strength. It is a reality that no matter how wonderful we are at parenting our children may grow up to make wonderful choices and sometimes they may not make the best of choices. Does that mean we have failed as parents?... Absolutely NOT! We just have to rely on God for help and pray, pray, pray as well as to the best we can basing what we do on God not our own desires.

We must incorporate God in all we do and although things may not be perfect, they will still be Godly based.

Week 3: Fear Factors in Parenting

INTRODUCTION:

Nothing prepares us for parenting.

Shelia Wray Gregoire says, “Some degree of fear is natural in parents. We love our kids so much that the thought of anything bad happening to them sends us into a panic. Yet, if we’re not careful, this caution can become oppressive. When we let fear dominate our parenting, we can actually shield our kids from the very things they need to be dealing with.”

Who were good parent role models in your life?

Have you emulated them in your parenting?

What does a nurturing home environment look like?

WE DON’T PARENT ALONE:

Previously extended families lived in the same home or on the same farm. People were less mobile and spent more time together. Then it became the norm that extended families lived further away- now it seems more and more parents are moving closer to adult children to help with parenting.

Without help of extended families there are friends and “adoptive” families and church family to help.

Of course God is always available 24/7.

James 1:5-

All we need to do is call upon our Father and he will help. Of course, I like instant messaging better. J

What is your biggest fear in raising children? Why?

How does knowing God wants to give you comfort help with parenting fears?

Name a fear you have conquered concerning your parenting. How have your overcome this fear?

GOD ENABLES US TO DO WHAT HE REQUIRES:

When feeling overwhelmed it helps to look back upon fears that we have conquered or times that we felt similar.  We can then see the outcomes and rest assured that the end will come.

1 Samuel 17:37 and 47 b- David and Goliath- When David was about to face Goliath he remembered how God had given him strength before and he trusted him in this time of need.

All of us face our own Goliaths they just look different.

A practical solution is to list times in our past when God “came to the rescue” things that brought us fear. This list will be a reminder to us of God’s faithfulness in all times. Refer to it and times of anxiety.

PRAY WITHOUT CEASING:

Isaiah 41:10 God is the ultimate protector. Things can happen to our children and with our parenting no matter what we may do.

Endless prayers include: safety, health… We all know of tragedies that happen with children and yet we can not always provide the protection needed from these things- God is the ultimate protector- yet things still happen that we fear.

Share from Praying the Scriptures for Your Children  p. 116-117

Sandy Hook Parent Interview 

1 Thessalonians 5:17 “Pray continually” without ceasing to the One who never ceases to hear.

What is the most important thing we can pray for concerning our children? (A top- ten list)

APPLICATION:

Wray says that “It’s easy to think that we have control over our children’s futures. The fact is, most of the time, our kids’ lives turn out completely different than we plan.” And yet God is not surprised!

God fashioned these works of art and carefully placed them in our arms. He waits nearby to help us with any need.

1 Peter 5:7 God cares about what we care about.

Matthew7:11 God is waiting to give to us and to bless us

Proverbs 22:6 God instructs us to train our children. He assures us that the training will stay with our children. It is assuring to know that even if our children stray from the path we have trained them to follow they will return- Remember the prodigal son?!  Also works for us- because even when we as God’s children “blow it” he welcomes us back with open arms ready to throw a party for us!

Share a hope you have for your child in their future.

What is one character trait that you possess that you hope does not get passes down to your children?

Other than prayer, what else do you do or can you do to encourage your child’s spiritual growth? 

Week 1 and 2: Loving Discipline

Raising Christ- Centered Children

Week 1and 2: Loving Discipline

         

Question is: How can we discipline our children with unconditional love?

Watch Parenthood season 2 episode 11 parts 16, 31, 40.

INTRODUCTION:
What is discipline?

         to train by instruction and exercise; drill

         to bring to a state of order and obedience by training

        

What is unconditional love?

         To love no matter what

When you discipline your child do you couch it in love?

Why discipline your child?

Discipline is a long vigilant task of guiding a child from infant to adult- allowing him to act as a responsible adult in society.

**Punishment is the negative of discipline- it must be a part at times, but not always

OUR HEART

 Proverbs 4:23- Your heart is a wellspring of life- behavior is an outward expression of what is happening in the heart.

 Luke 6:45- Our mouth speaks what our heart overflows

Let’s look at discipline from a biblical way rather than a behavior modification way… Change the heart rather than changing the behavior.

LOVE LANGUAGES

Hebrews 12: 6-12 See how our discipline is because of love. 

How can we affirm our love for our child during discipline?

Gary Chapman wrote a book called the 5 Love Languages of Children.  He says that each person child or not had a love language in which they “speak”. The language is either: quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, gifts or acts of service.

It is important to figure out the love language in of our child in order to understand why he/she acts in the way they do. No matter what though- love is the foundation of all the languages.  No matter what language works best for your child the love must be unconditional. They are loved no matter what the behavior. According to Chapman no child can receive too much appropriate unconditional love. “True unconditional love will never spoil a child because it is impossible for parents to give too much of it.”

Speak all 5 languages with your child but he/she will crave one more than the other.

Gary Chapman Interview (1:21)

Other obvious things about Discipline and Children that Chapman points out that we must be reminded of are:

"1- They are children

2- They tend to act like children

3- Much childish behavior is unpleasant

4- If I do my part as  a parent and love them, despite their childish behavior, they will mature and give up their childish ways

5- If I love them only when they please me and if I express my love to them only at those times, they will not feel genuinely loved. Damaging their self image

6- If Iove them only when they meet my requirements or expectations they will feel incompetent and will believe it is pointless to do their best, since it is never enough.

7- If Iove them unconditionally, they will feel comfortable about themselves and will be able to control their anxiety and behavior as they grow into adults."

1 John 3:18 “ Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”

Discipline is an act of love. The more a child feels love, the easier it is for them to accept the discipline. Accepting the guidance without resentment or hostility.

Read example from book- 1721-1722

Before we discipline a child- what do we need to think about?

Before effectively disciplining a child we need to ask 2 questions:

1- How does a child love?

2- What does my child need when he/she misbehaves?

         Is their love tank filled?

         Is there a physical need? Hunger, sleep, ill,

         Does my child feel sorry for what he/she has done?

         Has he/she learned and repented?

         (healthy conscience- guilt)

         Show your forgiveness once they show true                                   

          sorrow.

Why do parents sometimes give into their children?       

How does that show a lack of concern for the child?

WISDOM COMES FROM CORRECTION

         Proverbs 13:24; what does this infer about consistency in discipline?

Proverbs 22:15 and 29: 15-17 Correction could be redirection, changing the environment, replace a poor choice with a better one.

If the discipline does not work then punishment is necessary partnered with unconditional love.  

UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OF GOD

We demonstrate unconditional love when we discipline our children for their good. Just as God disciplines us for our own good

Refer back to Hebrews 12 from earlier. Discipline is proof that God loves us and we belong to him.

God’s discipline is for our own good.

Our love for our child is unconditional and unwavering just as God’s love is that way for us. With God as our role model we discipline our children. We need to always ask for God’s guidance in disciplining and do it without self-centered motives.

“Although discipline is painful for children and parents alike, it trains our children to respect authority and leads to holiness. We discipline in love hoping our children will learn to understand God’s unconditional love and will obey Him in response.”

How should we deal with the anger we sometimes feel when disciplining? What do we do if we have lost control and have disciplined in an unloving way? Will the child behave differently when we discipline this way rather than with calmness?

  

FORGIVENESS:

We must forgive our children just as Christ forgave us.

Psalm 103: 8-13

Colossians 3:12-17

Once we confess our sins, God’s forgiveness overflows and he forgets our sins. We must forgive as Christ forgives; with a heart of compassion, kindness, gentleness and patience.

This is an important step often overlooked.

Why is it essential to restoring a relationship with our children?

How might our lack of forgiveness teach our children?

How do we clothe ourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience?

APPLICATION:

The focus of our discipline needs to be the heart, not merely outward behavior. We need to be consistent and raise our children to glorify God with their behaviors and to love God as he loves us- with unconditional love and forgiving us as we forgive others.

Deut. 6: 4-9