Raising Teenagers

Raising Counter-Cultural Teenagers

Question to be answered:

Does “Christian Youth” need to be an oxymoron?

Introduction:

What was your faith like when you were a teen? Who was key in your faith development at that time?

See YouTube Christian Smith

“One of the most powerful realizations taken from our research is how formative parents are in their teenagers’ lives. They often don’t realize it, but parents are the most significant influences on their teenage children’s faith lives. I don’t think it’s an overstatement to say that normally the most important pastor a young person is going to have is his or her father and mother- for better or worse.”

Parents hold the primary positions of pastor, shepherd, model, mentor, disciple maker, Jedi master…. Modeling is the key.

Point 1: Model loving God to your children

*Speak by Example:

Preteens and teens tend to put the actions and words of adults under a microscope. They are actively watching you and how you handle situations around you. They will emulate what you do.

1 John 3:18 “Let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.”

What do you fear as a model or disciple for your child?

*Discuss Hard Topics:

Have open honest communication with your child from an early age and it will be a pattern that continues into the teens years.  It helps them know that you can be trusted with tough questions.

*Share faith intentionally:

Have your shared your Christ journey with your child? Have you shared God’s working in your life?

*Forgive Mistakes:

We all do things we regret. Allow your child to ask forgiveness and then forgive.
“if a teenager stays out past curfew but admits it and apologizes, dole out a fair consequence, then move on. If trust dissolves after one mistake, your teen has no motivation for doing what’s right. He/she may rebel and become secretive and sneaky.” Says Nordman

*Respect spiritual insights:

Encourage and allow your child to share opinions as they become older; even if these are not your own opinions.

Point 2: Model Loving your neighbor

*Provide Perspective: Life is not all about “you” it is about helping and sharing with others.

Youth leaders believe that 80 percent of youth ministry should be focused on mission and service teaching youth to be other focused rather than self focused.

Luke 10:25-37 What does this parable teach us about God’s heart for people in need?
How can your family engage in helping others?

Through the activities our church provides making sure to be involved or doing some on own- girl scouts, boy scouts, community organizations…

Point 3: Model community living to your children

*Encourage the fellowship of Christian Peers

A teens peers are powerful influences in his/her life, second only to parents, therefore encourage active involvement in church youth groups. This allows for what Hebrews 3 :13 says,” Encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”

John 17:20-23

This is a prayer of Jesus so how has this prayer been answered in your family?

How does the church help your child who lives in an individualistic, self-centered, disconnected world?

Ephesians 4:11-16

Small groups, youth groups…. Are encouraging, initimate places to grow. Verse 14 speaks of being tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes… Being grounded in a faith believing body can help keep this from happening to our children.  Giving them the stability of a faith body of believers that are similar to the faith body of believers within your home.  This keeps stability and helps youth to see beliefs not just as those of the parents but those of others around them. This gives more impact to those beliefs because they are “spoken” by more than you.

*Commit to family devotions:

prayer time, meal time…

Closure:

Parenting can be the highest form of discipleship. Really that should relieve the stress of parenting knowing that we are not doing this alone, but with God on our side.

*Pray a lot:

Philippians 4:6 “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God”

Nordman writes ” Pray for the Holy Spirit to work in your teen’s heart. Praying requires patience and perseverance. It may seem easier to just continually tell your teen what you want him/her to do, but that will not be nearly as effective.”  

When Jesus looks at your child(ren) what is His desire for them in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? What specific word, deed or action do you need to offer today to take a step towards that vision for your child (ren)?

“Teenagers long to do what’s right. They long to be loved and cared for by their parents. They long to grow into healthy, fully functioning adults. Unfortunately, they sometimes make choices that derail their best intentions. But with God’s help, they can indeed survive adolescence with the light of God shining brightly in their lives.”

A Parent’s Prayer

Loving God,

You are the giver of all we possess,

the source of all our blessings.

We thank and praise you.

Thank you for the gift of our children.

Help us to set boundaries for them,

and yet encourage them to explore.

Give us the strength and courage to treat

each day as a fresh start.

May our children come to know you, the one true God,

and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.

May your Holy Spirit help them to grow

in faith, hope, and love,

so they may know peace, truth, and goodness.

May their ears hear your voice.

May their eyes see your presence in all things.

May their lips proclaim your word.

May their hearts be your dwelling place.

May their hands do works of charity.

May their feet walk in the way of Jesus Christ,

Your Son and our Lord. Amen

Catholic: Prayer for Catholic Families. Loyola Press: Chicago, 1998

Dear God,

I need to talk to you for a minute about these kids you gave me.

First of all, let me make this clear. I adore them. They amaze me, million different times throughout each day.

They are clearly your creation and not my own. And for this, I am thankful. I could have never come up with something this wonderful, even if you had asked me to write out what I had in mind on paper before they were born.

But, I want you to know that I am scared. The world looks to me, as their parent, to teach them and protect them, raising them to be successful adults. I wonder why, then, must the world work against me on every step?

As a little girl, my precious daughter – well, actually, she is Your precious daughter – happily skipped through each day, treasuring each moment and believing anything was possible. But she lost her joy along the way to being a teenager. Now, her days are filled with paralyzing self doubt and deceptive invitations to the path of acceptance.

My adorable son, who once started each day by holding my face in his hands just to tell me he loved me, can no longer look me in the eye. He tries to hide behind walls built over time, convinced that I will never understand him. But I see through to his breaking heart, and mine breaks right along with his. It always has. Always will.

These are your children. And they are perfect. How can I get them to see that? How can I protect them from the false expectations of their peers, who are all struggling to find their way just the same? How can I prove to them that they were designed to stand out, rather than to fit in?

Sometimes, I watch them sleeping and this is my silent prayer for them:

Hold them in your arms as they go through their day.

Reveal yourself to them often, proving that they are never alone.

Help them to be strong enough to make a difference; to change the lives of others rather than changing who they are to fit in.

Make their paths straight before them, just as you promised to do, and then give them the strength to follow.

The decisions they make today can alter the path of the rest of their lives. Please help them to better understand this, and protect them when the time arrives to make those choices.

Show them that the rules we have in place are to protect them; not to prevent them from having fun, but rather to keep them from crossing lines into adulthood long before they are ready. Help them understand that once you cross those lines, there is no going back to being a kid.

Help them never to doubt you, especially when teachers and others cause them to question their beliefs. How can they ever find their true value if they believe they were an accident or grew from the ground or from monkeys of some sort? Their very existence proves that You are real, so please comfort them and give them your answers long before they need them.

I pray these same things for their future spouses and children. Protect their future and create it in a way that brings them all closer together and to you in the end.

And God, please keep whispering these things to them until they are ready for me to tell them face to face.

Because Lord, I adore my teens, and am so thankful you chose me to be their parent.

Give me what I need to do the job you asked of me, and hold me when I’m scared. I never want to let either you or them down.

In Jesus Name,

Amen

Week 7: Model Self-Confidence for Your Kids

Question to be answered:

How do I move my children from being self-focused to being God focused?

Introduction:

What does a healthy self-esteem look like?... Jesus- and his example of living as a child of God. Ironically, greater self- confidence happens when a person moves away from focus on self and towards focus on God.

Matthew 16:25 “Whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” As parents we should model this Christ-like way of losing ourselves with our kids by doing as scripture commands: move focus from self to God such as worship, prayer, service and community

When you hear self-esteem what comes to mind?

Do you feel our society is overemphasizing building self-esteem in our children?

Can self-denial and self-esteem co-exist? Why or why not?

Point 1: Model awe of God and his grace.

Colossians 1:15-23

Look at all of the qualities and attributes of Jesus that are noted here.

Verses 16-17 says “all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together” What does this mean?

What can you do to model proper worship of God to your children? How might your worship center upon the attributes mentioned in the scripture?

What does the worship of the God describe here say about forming your own self- image? that of your children?

Point 2: Model faith in God and his grace.

“Entitlement” of our children

Luke 11:1-13

How should be approach God?

What does this say about God and his goodness?

How can daily dependence on God, through prayer, properly align one’s self-image?

Depending on God for everything from bread to forgiveness takes self- reliance off of us and makes way for God’s daily, satisfying goodness of His providing for everything.

Point 3: Model self-sacrifice to honor God and his grace.

Our society promotes consumerism as helping us feel good. Our children that get this message may try to constantly “get” things yet will continue to remain unhappy. How will this effect their future?

Healthy self-esteem involves understanding how deeply and unconditionally we are loved and valued by God. Therefore as we understand God’s love, we will see that possessions are not an end in themselves, but the means to glorify God and bless others.

1 John 3:17

Philippians 2:3-11-

Verse 3- “in humility consider others better than yourselves” how can this co-exist with a healthy self- image?

Verse 4- what are some interests of others around you?

What are some of your interests or those of your children that steer towards selfishness?

Christ’s humility is evidence of his great power. Although he did not give up his divine qualities he chose to take on the roles of “human” and “servant”.

Verse 9-11

Teaching children that confidence and a belief that God can and does act and work through them can help with a healthy self-esteem. This shows the importance of living life as a mission of service towards others. (Operation Inasmuch!) J

Taking on God’s sacrificial “nature of a servant” helps us and our children be more like Jesus.

Point 4: Model community to demonstrate God’s grace

Acts 2:41-47

What was the effect of the gospel message upon this community of people? What specific activities were the believers dedicate to in the church?

Church was involved in 4 basic activities: learning, caring, fellowship and worship.

How does your church experience match with this Acts description of the early church?

Conclusion:

It is our responsibility to help our children be rescued from self-hate or doubt and brought to a place where they see themselves as unique, beloved creations of their heavenly father.

How can we do this?

Week 6: Friendships that Benefit Parenting

Question to be answered:

How do friendships help us to be better parents?

Introduction:

Being a parent can be overwhelming and often we feel inadequate. Building a community of friends can alleviate our doubts and give us the wisdom and skill, comfort, reassurance and encouragement we need!

God created us with a deep need for friendship and desire to have kindred spirits with whom we share struggles and joys.

God encourages fellowship for all believers. Relationships that are rooted in Christ have a depth that allows us to impart wisdom, discernment, encouragement and understanding to each other.  By making time for the depth of friendship God intended can add wisdom to our parenting, help us find emotional support and understanding as well as foster relationships that keep us accountable and spiritually challenged. This is introduced in scripture.

Point 1: Covenant Friendships Keep Us Transparent and Vulnerable

1 Samuel 18: 1-3; 20: 1-42 and 2 Samuel 1: 25-26.

These passages describe the friendship between Jonathan and David. This friendship included a promise before God of faithfulness, protection, help and love for each other and each other’s family. David and Jonathan loved the other as he loved himself and they trusted each other with their lives.

A friendship such as this entails accountability, openness, sharing and trust. They were willing to not only protect and serve each other but to risk all they had for the other. This is an example of what friendship can look like when we love God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength and love our neighbor as ourselves.

Why did Jonathan and David make this covenant friendship? How can this type of friendship be beneficial in parenting?

How did David allow Jonathan to hold him accountable?

How did their friendship make them accountable to God?

How does accountability to God and others help us to be better parents?

When we have this type of friendship we are open to accountability, advice and assistance. For parents this means that we can share our failures, frustrations, insecurities, and feeling of inadequacy. We are open to advice, helpful tips and shared experiences. Together we can hope and dream for our children and their futures. We raise each other’s children increasing the bonds of community in the family of believers and it strengthens the faith of parents and children alike!

Point 2: Covenant Friendships Extend to Our Children

1 Samuel 20:13-17 and 2 Samuel 9:1-13

David’s friendship with Jonathan extended to Jonathan’s son and grandson. David promised to show kindness to Jonathan’s family even though they were descendants of Saul, who was David’s enemy. Out of love and loyalty to Jonathan and obedience to God by keeping his promise, David searched for Jonathan’s family with the purpose of showing them kindness. David restored Mephibosheth’s inheritance to him and treated him as his own son.

Why did David and Jonathan include their families in their vow of love and loyalty to each other? How would a promise to care for each other’s families deepen a friendship bond and keep a friendship from becoming inwardly focused, exclusive or in competition with family time and commitment?

What are some practical ways you can help care for a friend’s family?

What do we miss when we are too busy for this depth of friendship in our lives? What do our children miss?

Point 3: Intergenerational friendships

God gives older people the honor, joy and privilege of helping younger people both practically and spiritually.

Titus 2:3-5

According to Titus what qualifications should you look for in a mentor? Do you believe a mentoring relationship could benefit you? How? Would it benefit the mentor? How?

Younger people should initiate mentoring relationships with older people. This demonstrates they are open to mentoring relationships.

Point 4: Friendships are strengthened when we serve together

Philippians 2:19-27

Paul, Timothy and Epaphroditus were partners in the work of the gospel. Out of their ministry strong friendships formed. They were kindred spirits. It important as parents and friends to be involved in ministry together adding to our spiritual growth as well as modeling for our children what is involved in ministering to others. (Operation Inasmuch!)

Through ministering together we form the types of friendships that allow us to share ideas, frustrations, disappointments, failures, joys and encouragements. By God’s grace and power we can develop a genuine interest in each other’s lives and the lives of those in whom we minister. These bonds are everlasting.

Weeks 4 and 5: Parenting Together

Questions to be answered:

How can parents lovingly disagree?

Why it is essential to find common ground?

IMPORTANT POINT: Some people parent alone for a variety of reasons. The good news in these situations is that we never parent alone. Philippians 4:19.

Introduction:

"After a girls’ get-away weekend, my friend and I returned to her usually orderly home—now a housekeeping disaster. Dirty dishes were crammed in the sink, pizza boxes and empty soda cans littered the countertops. Clothes, toys, books, and shoes were everywhere.

Her children greeted her half-heartedly: “Back so soon?” Their forlorn looks were telling. They knew: Party’s over!

With gritted teeth, my friend hissed, “Why does he get to be all fun and games and I’ve got to be the drill sergeant who gets everyone back on track?”

My friend and her husband are not the only parenting duo who’ve discovered significant differences in their parenting styles. Maybe you know Drill Sergeant Dan who’s married to Permissive Pam. Bedtime at their house is bedlam. Dan roars at the top of his lungs, “You kids get to bed and you get to sleep now! I don’t care if you’re thirsty, hungry, or scared. I don’t want to hear another sound.” Pam, on the other hand, isn’t too concerned about bedtimes: “Kids, just make sure you clean up the taco dip on the rug and turn out the lights before you go to bed.”

Or do you know Spontaneous Sam who’s married to Regimented Ruth? They struggle over the when, where, and cost of family fun-time. Sam can’t contain his exuberance as he makes last-minute weekend plans. “Let’s go to Disney World!” he shouts. Ruth wails, “The budget, Sam! There’s only money for a movie and popcorn. Besides, Saturday is chore day!”

Then there’s Empathetic Ellen married to Stoic Stuart. Ellen clucks, coos, and coddles her darlings over every bump, scrape, and heartache. Stuart scowls and grouches, all the while insisting the kids need to “tough it out.”

If you and your spouse have polar personalities, take heart. You can make peace with your differences and raise happy, well-adjusted children."

We are all created to be unique. We come from different homes and we have individual differences, making for interesting family dynamics. Having children accentuates our differences in ways we can never imagine.  It is finding common ground for parenting that is important for raising well-adjusted children.

1 Peter 3:8 “…live in harmony with one another, be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.”

Sometimes our need to be right becomes bigger than our spouse. This is called pride and it is not pleasing to God.

When you were growing up, what kind of parents did you have? Did you have a fun parent? A serious parent? Did you know who to go to for what situation?

Is there advice that you have received from your parents that helps you in your parenting?

Did your parents ever disagree on discipline or how to raise you?

Are there areas that you and your spouse disagree about parenting? How have you resolved the issues?

Since our children are each individuals and have individual needs for discipline, how have you adjusted in your parenting to accommodate these differences?

Point 1: Raising Godly, Well-Adjusted Children

We may have different perspectives, but we have the same goal- to raise godly, well-adjusted children.

Proverbs 22:6  We have the God given responsibility to train our children in the ways of the Lord. To set expectations and create an environment where those expectations can be met.

Though you and your spouse (or the person who helps you with parenting your children) may approach things differently you still have the same goal… what is best for your children. How do you get there? The problem comes when we believe our way is the only way and are unwilling to listen, change, discuss, compromise.

Abraham’s son Isaac was trained in God’s ways. Genesis 22:7-12. Abraham demonstrated his trust in God by his actions. He knew Isaac belonged to God. Sometimes we forget that our children are not ours or our spouses for keeping, they are God’s. We are just the trainers.

What do you think of when you think of Abraham’s willingness to sacrifice his son? What does Isaac’s willingness to be laid on the altar say about his training?

What are some ways you and your spouse train your children in the ways of the Lord?

Point 2: Times of Disagreement

Reality is there will be times you disagree, so the question is how will you display your disagreement? How will you deal with it?

Differences can be strong, but do not have to divide you. You can agree to disagree in the rearing of your children. You are “on stage” with little eyes watching, what is most important for them to learn through your disagreements?

This is a wonderful opportunity to illustrate an important life lesson about agreeing to disagree or how to handle differences.

And of course, sometimes there are disagreements that should be handled away from the children.

Dr. James Dobson said, “The best way to love your children is to love your spouse.”

Parenting Conflicts
We are the best role models our children have for learning to live with others that are not just like us.

Philippians 2:1-7- We should consider our spouse more significant than ourselves and we will learn to disagree with humility.

Why does loving your spouse equal loving your children?

Point 3: Empty Nest Preparation

We remember cradling our little ones in our arms. Laying him/her in the crib and treasuring our new little bundles of joy, but someday we will see them pack their belongings and drive away to a new life. This will change our lives. This is suppose to happen, but it is hard to imagine until that time comes.  And then we are left sitting there across the table from the one we started the journey with.  Do you know him/her any more?

http://loveandrelationshipcenter.com/divorce-after-children-leave.html

One statistic I found said that 16% of people divorce after their children leave home.

Sometimes we make our children our whole life and when they are gone we are left with this person we no longer know or like. Parent sometimes feel empty or lost. They know how to parent but not be a husband or wife.

Prevent this by continuing to do things with your spouse. Forgiving him/her when necessary and loving unconditionally.

Forgiveness is a key ingredient to parenting and marriage.

Ephesians 4:32. We forgive because we are forgiven. We are not to wait until we feel like forgiving, we are to forgive because Christ forgave us. It is not about what we feel like doing, it is about what is right!

What are some of the ways you cultivate your relationship with your spouse?

Have you ever felt emotionally disconnected with your spouse? How have your regained that connection?

Closure:

Parenting is an unbelievable responsibility. We are to model love, acceptance, honor and respect before our impressionable children. God calls marriage a picture of Christ and his church. We have the privilege of not only showing our children what a good marriage is like, but also showing the world. We do this by simply acknowledging that God has brought 2 imperfect people together and is making them one.

We cannot parent under our own strength. It is a reality that no matter how wonderful we are at parenting our children may grow up to make wonderful choices and sometimes they may not make the best of choices. Does that mean we have failed as parents?... Absolutely NOT! We just have to rely on God for help and pray, pray, pray as well as to the best we can basing what we do on God not our own desires.

We must incorporate God in all we do and although things may not be perfect, they will still be Godly based.